Most parents of preschool children find it difficult to accept that their child is no longer a small, helpless being, but is becoming increasingly independent and asking less for help with daily tasks. Some parents go through this process of accepting the changes in their child’s behavior more easily, while others find it harder to adjust to the new situation. While some use everyday opportunities to encourage their child’s independence, others continue to do things for or instead of their child, believing this is the right approach. No one can blame parents for their choices, as they know their child and their needs best. However, what we can do is help them become aware of their actions and point out some developmental characteristics typical for this age and what they can expect from their child at this stage.

Many parents resort to punishment during this period to cope with the “new” child who suddenly wants to explore everything and often tests boundaries. However, if we analyze punishment as a disciplinary measure, we can conclude that it is a way for children to pay for something they did in the past.

Unlike the classical understanding of discipline (which carries a negative meaning—disciplining a child by punishing them for not being good), positive discipline as an approach to raising children does not differentiate between good and bad children but between good and bad behavior. Moreover, positive discipline relies on reinforcing positive behaviors with the goal of strengthening them without resorting to verbal or physical punishment. The aim of this approach is to teach children life skills for solving problems and handling situations calmly and composedly, supporting the development of their independence.

Instead of focusing on the past, children should be encouraged to find solutions that help them learn for the future. For example, if a child hits another child at kindergarten, it is wrong to impose punishment as a logical consequence and believe that punishment will solve all problems, because this approach will not help the child understand the problem nor how to find the best solution. What is needed is to directly involve the child in thinking through and solving the problem and to let go of the belief that the child is still too young to know what is right and that you surely know better. Encourage them—you will be surprised how much wisdom lies within.

Moreover, this approach gives the child a chance to use and strengthen their skills. If you show respect for their opinion and value their contribution in solving the situation, and if you take them seriously and truly listen to what they have to say, you will contribute to the development of their self-confidence because the child will experience being important to someone and belonging somewhere. When they feel that sense of belonging, the chances of undesirable behavior decrease, as they will be more willing to learn from their mistakes with optimism.

Ask your child curious questions about what happened, what they think caused it, how others felt, what they learned from it, and how it will help them in resolving future situations. Only this way will you avoid what most parents do—deciding in advance for the child what happened, what caused it, how the child should feel, and what they should do. Don’t try to protect your child from the consequences of their actions because these are invaluable experiences that will help them face future life challenges and situations. Instead, be someone who guides, empowers, and supports them.

Ljiljana Todorović,
Pedagogue Tresnjober Preschool