It’s simple. Children, as well as adults, lie. Parents often feel disappointed because of that and start to lose trust they have in their child thinking that their authority is getting weaker. Society tends to see lies as something “impure“implying violation of moral values. On one hand, adults find it very difficult to connect lie with their child, the purest being in their life. On the other hand, professionals who work with children and families often worry about how to explain to a parent that a child has lied in a certain situation. We cringe at the sentence “It’s a lie” and frequently replace it with lighter version of it -“It’s not true”. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, ever since the beginning of humanity people have used lies as a defense against unpleasant situations, punishments, demands…even against themselves. In order to understand why children lie and how we as adults should position ourselves in those situations, we will first explain what is and what is not a child’s lie.

When we think of lie, we are referring to something opposite to truth. However, a child at preschool age does not have a definite concept of truth. Everything that is in the child’s mind, everything that he sees, hears, wants and fantasizes about – seems completely real to the child. There is an ever-changing line between real and imaginary world in your child’s head. Thus, the child might tell you in detail what he played with his best friend, even though you know that his friend went to visit his grandparents for an extended weekend. Also, if a certain truth does not please your child or causes harm to him, the child can use suppression or denial of the truth: mom did not go on a trip, but went to the store to buy new toys.

These situations are not the example of child’s lies but the unconscious actions typical for their age. This does not mean that we will ignore the child’s imagination or get angry with the child for lying, but we will explain to the child that the event they told us about is not possible or did not happen in reality. For example: Yesterday Philip went to his grandparents but I suppose you played that game last time you saw each other and had a lot of fun.

1. Children lie out of fear of being punished. This is a very common reason. Instead of scolding the child that it is not nice to lie, we can ask ourselves why the child does not trust us and why he is afraid that we will not understand him. If we punish child for lying, we make things worse –by sending our child a message that he or she should lie more carefully in order to escape punishment we confirmed. Instead, we should make it easier for child to admit what he tried to hide from us and only when he shares what he did, point out to the possible consequences of that action and envisage why it must not happen again next time.

2. Now we can ask ourselves why children lie in situations we know we wouldn’t punish them or forbid them from doing something ? Because it is not always easy for a child to predict how adults would react to certain behavior. Sometimes the parent’s reactions to the same or similar situation depend on their current mood, or it happens that the parent scolds the child for an action in which the child has no bad intentions. For example: A child spills juice on a toy wanting the toy to be refreshed because it is hot outside, causing the parent to yell and take the toy away from the child. Such behavior of adults represents a whole series of puzzles in which it is difficult for children to find their way, and this sometimes leads them to protect themselves by lying. If you don’t ask the child why he did it, he may make excuses by blaming his brother or sister to avoid punishment even though he doesn’t really understand what he did wrong.

3. Out of boasting. A child can brag about feats he did not do, even bad actions. Constant bragging is usually a sign of feeling inferior to those around you. A typical example is a child in kindergarten. If most of the children in group talk about how they learned to swim, a child without identical experience will feel the need to tell how he knows how to swim, too. When you hear your child claiming that he can do something he cannot do, do not support what he does and praise him, but provide him with situations that he will be able to recount: what he tried, saw or heard.

When we find out the reason why the child lies, it will be easier to know what we need to work on. Do not reproach the child for lying, but develop a relationship of trust where the child can openly talk to you about his actions. Advise the child how to behave and explain to the child why it was not okay.
Above all, be an example of honesty. Do not tell your child that there is no more chocolate when the child knows that there is – tell him that it is not healthy for him to continue eating. Don’t tell your friend in front of your child that you don’t have time to hang out, and then sit and talk on the phone. Tell your friend that you are tired and that you would rather stay at home today. By building such a relationship, the child will trust you even though he will not be able to fully understand you. It is necessary for the child to feel that you are ready to listen to him when he wants to share something with you. And one last piece of advice: let your child have a part of the world that belongs only to him, a bit of independence and freedom from your control; let him believe in his dreams and fantasize about things that are not possible in reality.